How I’ve Changed Since Becoming A Mother

Being a mother is my most biggest and proudest achievement. Before having Casia I had a life that I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with it. Now, I wake everyday with a purpose. A reason to do better in life as it’s not just for me anymore for the rest of my life I’ll have a beautiful little girl looking up to me for advice and inspiration.

It’s not easy to go from looking after myself and thinking of just me to suddenly over night a little person needs my attention twenty four hours a day.

I’ve matured massively since being a mummy and even falling pregnant. I’ve made decisions that to some may have been hard to hear but I did it for a better life for myself and my daughter. Sometimes you have to be harsh and blunt as a mother because your child can’t talk or tell you what they want so you have to make decisions which you think benefit their life. This comes in every situation in life. Even when Casia is older I will still be there to support the decisions she makes as an adult and be by her side through everything in life.

So this is only a short one but it’s something that’s important. You will never know love until you meet your baby and realise that for the rest of your life you are their soul protector.

Getting Used To Life With A Baby

IMG_3805Casia is now eight weeks old and completely alert and smiling more than anything. The last two months have had more changes than I ever thought possible. Adjusting to life with a new born is hard and no one can ever prepare you for the sleepless nights and tears for no reason. But there is something so special about it just being the two of us in the middle of the night, lights dim and just her beautiful eyes looking up at me while I feed her.

The sleepless nights at times have been torturous, people always say that you’ll be tired when she’s here but I never really got how tired you’d be until now.  Sometimes I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep all day but that isn’t something that I can do anymore. Instead I get up three times a night, change nappies, make bottles, do feeds and constantly clean up sick but you know what, I’m completely okay with that! Her little smile and the way she looks at me makes it all better. IMG_4434Relationships change when your baby is here and I can defiantly agree with that. You have so much less time for just you and your partner, to even just talk on the sofa or cuddle up and watch a film. You can start to do it and hear a little cry or a nappy needs changing. But the time that you do get to spend as just the two of you, I think you treasure it so much more than you used to. Even if it’s getting to eat your dinner without a baby on your lap and having a conversation with an adult in “adult voice” rather than talking all day in “baby talk”.

There are so many new things that you get to experience on a day to day basis and its beautiful. Every little smile and every little walk just the two of you is lovely. It’s hard when your partner goes back to work and you single handily have to do everything. I think it’s so important to get out of the house everyday because I for one know it can get lonely just sitting inside all day with a sleeping baby. I love to go for a walk around the park and grab a hot chocolate. I try and see my friends and family as much as possible. But then again I absolutely love a lazy snuggly day on the sofa in our pj’s and day time TV.IMG_4059Life with Casia is amazing and so is motherhood and I can’t wait to watch you learn and grow even more!


Labour and Delivery Story

2I’m so overly excited to finally be able to write this! On Monday 13th August at 01:42am me and Malik welcomed our gorgeous little girl into the world two weeks early. The last nine months of pregnancy have been a mixture of emotions. It’s been hard at times but it’s also been the most amazing journey and growing our little girl has been the greatest gift of all!

The last couple weeks of my pregnancy were emotionally and physically challenging. I’d been experiencing intense Braxton Hicks and had so many close false alarms. Throughout my entire pregnancy I was having regular growth scans also as she was measuring smaller than she should have been. At thirty six weeks I had a scan and she was measuring a lot smaller than she should have. I was sent to triage where I was awaiting a doctors opinion on what should happen. As I wasn’t “full term” yet they decided to not induce me at that point but instead book another growth scan for thirty eight weeks to see if she had grown anymore. So I waited patiently until then. (Well I tried)

On Sunday August 12th I woke up with really intense Braxton Hicks, more than I had ever felt before and period pain sort of cramps. I called my midwife for advice and she said it would be good to get things checked over. I’d been to the hospital so many times before that I could do it with my eyes closed so I didn’t rush there. I got ready had something to eat and headed off.

We arrived at the hospital at around 13:00pm. Once we got there, I was taken to a side room where I was put on the monitor and had the usual checks. The midwives said they were going to get the doctor on shift to come and see me, which she did. I was meant to be having my growth scan on the coming Tuesday so the doctor just moved it forward. When I had the scan they saw that she hadn’t grown in the last two weeks so they were going to induce me. Once I was back on the ward the doctor decided to do a stretch and sweep (which isn’t as bad as everyone makes it out to be) Luckily I was already two cm so I only needed the six hour pessary to induce me to hopefully bring my labour on and for my waters to break naturally.

Me and Malik decided to go for a walk and call our families to let them know what was happening. Everyone was so excited and couldn’t quite believe that our little girl would soon be here. We seemed to walk around the hospital for hours until we went back up to the ward.

Once we were back upstairs at around 19:00pm my midwife induced me by putting the pessary in and put me back on the monitor. At this point it was all becoming so real and the nerves that in the space of twenty four hours I was going to become a mum. Malik quickly went home to shower and get a few things for himself as we both weren’t really prepared that we were having a baby today. He left to go home at around 20:30pm and was gone for only an hour. In that space I was getting agonising contractions whilst being on my own in the ward room. I was beginning to cry as it was extremely painful. I was trying everything I had learnt in my yoga and hypnobirthing to get me through the first stages of labour. I went on the birthing ball and was bouncing in between contractions. Luckily at 21:30 Malik came back and was comforting me with the pain.

1Everything moved pretty quickly then and before I knew it I was getting moved up to delivery suite and my mum was on her way. I tried my best to walk to delivery suite but I had to stop a couple of times to breath out my contractions that were getting more intense. Once we got to the room in which I was going to deliver, I set up my speaker and put on my music. Although Mal decided to change it to the greatest showman sound track on after only being in the room for ten minutes.

Once we were there my midwife got me some oils to smell to help relax and calm me, and stuck them onto my top. I sat on the birthing ball and Malik massaged the same oils into the bottom of my back. This part of my labour I can’t remember to be very painful, just relaxing and everyone laughing and joking with each other.

At around 12:30am, my midwife asked if she could examine me to see how many cm I now was, as I was only three cm my midwife said she was going to break my water to speed up my labour. I was pretty nervous about this but knew it had to be done. She offered me gas and air but I said no and just squeezed Malik’s hand instead.

It was the strangest feeling when they broke. I always imagined it to be like the films and huge dramatic gush like they all get in the middle of the shops, but instead I just felt like I’d spilt a hot drink all over my lap.

Things happened so fast after this and most of it became a blur. All I really remember is having my contractions go from the pain scale of a three to a ten in the space of about ten minutes. At around 1:30am I instinctually got up onto all fours and screamed that I needed to push. At this point I began pushing and had no idea how I knew what I was doing it’s like my body was made for it and I knew what I had to do to get my baby here safely. I began pushing and Malik and my mum said that they could see her head.

My midwife was telling my to do little pushes when having contractions. My mum and Malik were holding my hands and another midwife was filming it for me so that I had the memory forever.

Within twelve minutes and 4 pushes we welcomed our little girl into the world at 1:42am on Monday 13th August 2018. 3It was the most incredible thing I have ever done and I have never in my whole entire life felt love like this before! She is perfect in every single way and I couldn’t be more proud to call her my daughter.

This is only the beginning of our journey together, and I couldn’t be more excited to watch you grow and teach you everything that she will ever need in life!

Casia Mary
5lbs 15oz

A huge thank you is needed for everyone that helped me throughout my entire pregnancy, labour and birth. Gloucestershire Royal Hospital were absolutely amazing and I couldn’t thank everyone enough!

Real Friends And Real Life

Real Life and Real Friends

Something I have realised since becoming pregnant is who really are my friends. Normally when you tell them that you’re expecting a baby, you’re a lot further along in life and most people have decided to have children at an age where they in some ways “have their lives together”. I don’t really like that saying but it sort of fits here. Although the amount of younger parents is becoming more and more and I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. As long as you’re willing and able to do anything for your children I personally don’t think that age should even be mentioned.

However when telling your friends when you’re at an age where most people are far from thinking about children, people don’t understand the effects that pregnancy has on the body and the mind also. I guess you could say that unfortunately some of the people around you just aren’t mature enough to understand that the body, mind and feelings change when you are carrying a child. I’ve personally had an experience like this and honestly it hurt me more than I ever really thought it would.

Being pregnant at an age where normally people my age are still experimenting with their lives, going out clubbing and drinking every weekend. To now having nothing to do with that kind of lifestyle is hard, and that’s completely normal for me to say that.  I think if I wasn’t pregnant I’d be still doing these things too. You’re a reckless teenager with not a care in the world. You worry about yourself and that’s it. You don’t normally have to consider that you have any responsibilities for yourself or anyone else. From the moment I saw a positive line my life was never going to be drinking and clubbing anymore. It never was going to be about me and what I wanted and needed anymore. Everything I do from that point forward will be for my child and my family. Me, my daughter and boyfriend, that’s all that will matter to me anymore. I no longer have an interest in drinking and being a teenager. I seemed to age about ten years in the space of ten seconds.

At the start when I told my friends I was pregnant, they seemed so excited (they all are in the beginning) They non-stop talk about baby showers and clothes and it all seems so surreal to you as well as them.Then it becomes old news and normal life for them carries on. They go back to drinking and clubbing. Meals and cocktails whilst every Friday/Saturday night you’re at home in your pyjamas watching your old life through others snapchat stories. Honestly in the first couple of weeks after finding out this upset me a lot. In the end, I wouldn’t even bother to look at my phone on a weekend because I knew that it would do more upset than anything else. I felt extremely lonely and left out from this. I felt isolated and alone whilst I watched my friends enjoy their lives. In a moment of hormonal distress I decided I just needed to tell people how I was feeling and honestly It didn’t go the way I would have hoped. Eventually I realised that people that didn’t understand or could even try to understand the changes then really were they actually worth getting upset or being around. They don’t need to be in my child’s life and that’s okay. Unfortunately I did cut ties of with people that before I got pregnant meant a lot to me. People that I still think back to and smile about the memories that we shared. I don’t dislike any of these people, I simply feel like life has moved on. Turning another page in my life. I do sometimes sit back and think thank you. Thank you to those friends at the time that I shared lovely memories with and I hope you all do well and achieve the things you were working towards in life. One day when these people get pregnant hopefully they’ll understand how I felt, until then I’m sure they’ll have fun and being reckless young adults that they are.

On the other hand, the majority of my friends have stuck by my side. These are the friends that I know will be there for me now, when my baby is born and from then on. These are the friends that I can truly hand on heart say that I’m more than thankful and grateful to have around. These aren’t friends that live just around the corner, they’re friends that live hundreds of miles away. But these are my friends and they mean more to me than ever. We don’t see each other regularly. Unfortunately we can’t. But they’re the ones that I go to first about anything. They’re the ones that daily I will let them know how my baby is growing and ask them how they are. They’re my best friends and I love them. I know and they know that no matter what life throws our way, we’ll always have one another and I’m so grateful for them.